Saturday, December 31, 2022

His Majesty the Worm Update

On January 1st, 2022, I tweeted this twit:

This proved to be somewhat ambitious. So let's talk about what happened in 2022 and what's happening now!

What is His Majesty the Worm?

First, a little context. 

His Majesty the Worm is a new-school game with old-school sensibilities: the classic megadungeon experience given fresh life through a focus on the mundanities and small moments of daily life inside the dungeon.

  • Often-ignored subsystems, like food, hunger, light, and inventory management, are central to play and actually fun.
  • The game has robust procedures. Characters adventure in the Underworld, rest in role-playing driven camping scenes, and plan long-term actions in the City at the center of the Wide World.
  • The relationships between companions, called Bonds, powers the rest and recovery mechanic of the game. Role-playing literally drives the game forward.
  • Tarot cards are used as a randomizing element. Combat encounters are handled with an action-packed subsystem that ensures that all players have interesting choices every minute of combat: no downtime!

Here's how the book pitches itself.

What is the state of affairs?

In 2016, I started writing His Majesty the Worm. In 2017, the game was far enough along I could run weekly playtests. This weekly game is still going. (I should do a retrospective of running a five-year long megadungeon campaign at some point.)

In 2021, I began putting the game's appendices into a basic layout with some public domain art. I hosted these as pay-what-you-want titles on my Itch. Over the course of the year, this generated enough revenue that I commissioned all of the art I planned for the game.

By Marcin S

At the beginning of 2022, I had finished the game's text. The word count was a whopping 123,881

I scoped a quarter for an editor to edit the text, a quarter for me to implement edits, a quarter for a graphic designer to provide layout templates, and a quarter for me to implement the layout. 

This timeline was mostly successful! In 2022, I edited the entire book and finalized the layout of the core text. (I have not yet finished the layout of the appendices, roughly ~100 additional pages.)

All the stuff in the core book. Boy, page 111 has a lot of content.

I, uh, kind of forgot about everything that comes after that. 

I have never published a physical book before and there's a lot of stuff here that I'm working on. I've spent my whole life thinking about RPGs and kept myself perfectly ignorant of the industry of publishing.
  • The cost of physical books is incredibly high right now. What format should the book be in? How can I make it as cheap as possible so that people aren't priced out? How can I make it as nice as possible so the game is a treasure to own?
  • I've thus far avoided the hectic stress of crowdfunding. I wish I could avoid it altogether. How long can I put this off?
  • What mechanisms will people use to buy the book? How can you trade me dollars and have this book shipped to you? Do I set up a webstore? (I don't know how to do that.) Do I use another interface?
  • Once people have bought the book, who packages it and ships it? How much does this cost? How do you keep shipping costs low? How do I keep packaging costs low for this non-standard size I chose for the book? How do you accommodate for international shipping? How are taxes paid on imported media?

So...when can I buy it? 

Not yet. Soon.

"I call all times soon."

Despite some unanswered questions, after six years of development the game has never been closer to being fully realized. I am so excited to share it with you.

If you want to check it out, I hope you will:
  • Join my mailing list. I will only email you to give you updates about the game and let you know when it's ready.
  • Check out the appendices. I think each appendix has content that's applicable to any dungeon-based game you're playing. Every $5 thrown towards the game helps speed its development along. Plus, when they're ready, I'll upload the finalized, full-art version of the appendix on Itch as a free upgrade. 
I'll be talking a lot about the game here, doing a deep dive into the rules, to help you figure out if this is a game that you want to try out. Stay tuned.

Tuesday, December 27, 2022

23 Dungeon Features for #dungeon23

For Christmas this year, Sean McCoy has given me a community project to be excited about: dungeon23. There are a lot of people compiling resources for this project and all of its variations, so I won't attempt to cover that here. 

For my own projects, I'm planning:

  • Tarot-themed dungeon (78 rooms, potential future HIS MAJESTY THE WORM supplement)
  • Explore your eccentric halfling uncle's mansion depthcrawl (100 rooms, potential future Under Hill, By Water supplement)
  • Unknown???
(I even got the fancy daily planner!)

I plan on starting on January 1st to establish the habit, but to get the brain juice flowing, here are twenty-three dungeon features. 

1 Altar

An altar is a table intended for sacrifice. Altars are shaped in the semblance of the god to which they are dedicated. It is a conduit to a higher power, and prayers to the appropriate divinity carry more weight here. 

Example: The altar of the Black Goat is a table shaped like a standing she-goat, her back forming the flat surface of the table. On it, candles have burned down into wax puddles on top of goat skulls. It is blood stained. 

A sacrifice of a living creature on this altar will cure any magical curses or magical diseases of the celebrants on a 1-in-6 chance.

2 Cage

A prison, a hanging gibbet, a jail designed to constrain its prisoners. What crimes could they have committed to be bound to such a fate? Are they imprisoned unjustly or are there sins on their conscience that cannot be forgiven? 

Example: A hanging cage made of thin sticks lashed together with leather cords. The door is fastened simply with a knot of herb (monkshood). The cage looks like you could kick it apart easily. Inside, an old man named Zacchaeus claims to be brought here as food for vampires and begs to be let out. 

In truth, Zacchaeus is a werewolf. The monkshood (otherwise known as wolfsbane) keeps him so weak he cannot break the bars.

3 Circle of Power

Sites of power constructed where the leylines of the dungeon converge. These circles are designed as gates between the realm of flesh and the far realms--either to seal outside entities out or beckon such entities in.  They are dangerous things, whose magic is more than any single mortal sorcerer can master. 

Example: A glyph written on the floor crackles with obvious magical energy. The glyph is surrounded by five, five-pointed pyramidal stones. The side of each stone is marked with runes that read "AB-RA-KA-DAB-RA". 

If the PCs step onto the glyph without changing the set up, they are teleported to a deeper level of the dungeon turned inside out (instant death, no save). The glyph must be made harmonized by turning pyramidal stones so the runes facing the inside of the glyph read "Abrakadabra." This word can start from any stone, but should proceed in order until every syllable is used sequentially in a clockwise manner. When this is done, the teleportation magic is safe to use.

4 Elevator

Elevators are platforms or chambers that move around the dungeon (vertically, horizontally, or in stranger ways). Different levels of the dungeon may be connected by elevators that need to be activated. 

Example: The PCs step into the bottom of a deep pit. A colossal chain ending in a huge hook dangles from an unseen place high above. A giant earthworm is pierced by the hook, wiggly feebly. If the PCs manage to make a significant pull on the chain (requiring a total 18 Strength points), the giant at the top of the pit pulls hook and chain up to the upper level. He's not interested in the PCs and will discard them at this upper level as being "under his limit."

5 False Tomb

There are tombs down here. But there are also false tombs intended to baffle and punish grave robbers. These facades obscure the true burial chambers behind secret doors and deadly traps. 

Example: A mosaic depicts a bull-headed man holding a scale with a feather and a heart. Beneath it, two doors. Ancient writing on the wall (when translated) reads: "The just enter on the left to pass to paradise. The unjust enter to the right to meet their punishment."

The doors both lead to the same small chamber. About five seconds after the doors are opened, a two-ton block drops into the small chamber, crushing anyone within who doesn't succeed in a Dexterity save (or equivalent) to dodge back into the false tomb.

6 Fountain

Fountains in dungeons are often enchanted as the water flows past veins of mithril. Drinking or bathing or dipping items into the fountain activates their enchantments. 

Example: A merry face is carved on the outlet of the spring where this fountain flows. The face speaks simple phrases, welcoming travelers to drink from its waters. 

Drinking from the waters causes mild euphoria and hallucinations. If under any persistent negative enchantments, geasa, mind control, or similar effects, characters who drink the water are allowed a new saving throw to attempt to overcome them. However, characters who have drunk from the water always move last in initiative and cannot cast spells due to consistent giggling interrupting their incantations. This effect lasts until the PC sleeps.

7 Fungus

There are strange growths in the depths of the earth where the sun has never shone. Fungi, mushrooms, and molds bloom in dark places, often with unwholesome and uncanny effects. 

Example: A circle of yellow mushrooms with a little mouse inside. As the PCs watch, the mouse passes the circle of mushrooms and becomes a stirge, who flaps a few times before learning the trick of its wings and then flies away.

If the PCs step over the edge of the mushroom circle, they are transformed into a random creature. Roll for a random page on your Monster Manual. If there are multiple monsters on that page, let the player choose between them.

8 Hearthfire

This place looks safe enough for now. Here, other adventuring parties have encamped. An ember of their fire remains. Light it again to kindle some hope in this dark place.

Example: A small shrine with a campfire in which a ruined sword has been driven. Those who camp here regain full HP during a night's rest.

9 Idol

The Underworld contains giant idols of strange gods. Some say they were raised by ancient troglodytes. Some say they were gods that crawled into the veins of the earth and became fossils. In either event, there is still some strange power in these colossi.

Example: A giant statue of a seated devil with gemstone eyes sits. It holds a huge brazier of coals. Clerics can hear the statue whispering obvious blasphemies.

Attempting to pry out the idol's gemstone eyes causes the idol to tip the brazier over, pouring liquid fire into the room. The room's floor becomes lava. The would-be thieves are trapped on the statue with no obvious way out.

10 Lava Flow

Lava is the lifeblood of the earth. It flows, here, in the earth's veins. It is, of course, death for adventurers.

Example: Lava cascades from an unseen height like a waterfall. It flows into cut channels which feed into a forge's fire. Nearby, an anvil sits. The heat is unbearably intense.

The PCs cannot approach unless they have some defense against the heat. If they have fire resistance or similar, PCs can spend time here to transform mithril ingots into +1 weapons.

11 Library

Books and scrolls are hoarded by scholars, lore-masters, and wizards. Libraries house books that are written on papyrus, vellum, and wax tablets. Many things that are forgotten on the surface can be found trapped in letters here. However, it takes time to carefully pour over the tomes here, translating the antique dialects and shepherding the fragile pages. 

Example: The necromancer Crabbe made the Library of Heads: mummified heads sitting on concentric circular shelves in a circular room. If you pick up the heads and blow through their neck hole, they begin to recite their life's story in their native tongue. There are 102 heads here. Many have nothing interesting to say to an adventurer. A few hold some esoteric knowledge worthy of a researcher in a niche subject. At least three were rival sorcerers who speak eloquently about their forays into astral space.

12 Machine

Mechanisms made by ancient hands, the purpose and the logic of which are not known. Some machines are malfunctioning, producing imperfect results. Some are broken, but can be fixed (though not understood) by replacing an obvious part or providing a power source. Some work perfectly, but exactly what they do and why is beyond mortal ken. 

Example: The workings of the Unmaking Machine are hidden inside its body, which resembles a 40' x 40' x 40' Borg cube. 

The first time the Unmaking Machine is encountered by the PCs, there is a single, six inch, cube-shaped section missing from the left side of the cube. This missing cube can be found elsewhere in the dungeon and inserted like a key into it. The machine thereafter begins to function.

Once repaired, the only interface with which to operate the machine are two apertures, both square holes exactly 13" in diameter, both on the cube's "front." When an item is placed into the upper hole, it slides into the darkness as if drawn in by a hand. The cube emits a series of grinding sounds. Then, the component construction materials of the item issue out from the lower hole. 

For example, if a sword was entered into the top hole, the cube emits the following: an ingot of iron, small cubes of trace minerals involved in embellishment, a strip of leather and a solid block of wood (both from the hilt), a dollop of animal-based glue, and a single droplet of oil (residual from maintenance). 

If an item is jammed into the lower hole, it comes out of the top hole terribly mangled. 

13 Magic Wall

Magical barriers may be raised to gate certain sections of a dungeon. These could be magical force fields or walls made of esoteric energies, such as walls of fire or walls of ice. The key to these walls are almost always magical. Often, the artifact or structure generating the wall needs to be disabled.

Example: An archway of skulls bifurcates a room. The keystone skull once belonged to a giant bird. A malicious presence haunts the bird skull, whose evil will allows only those who bear the tokens of its master the Pigeon King to pass. 

This is not a physical barrier but a mental command screaming DO NOT FUCKING ENTER. It cannot be resisted by any sentient, living creature. Arrows and spells may pass under the archway. 

The keystone skull's evil will can only work on creatures it can see. Blinding the skull (with a Flare spell) or sneaking past while invisible will also allow passage. 

14 Merchant

Rule of Acquisition 34: War is good for business. Adventurers are a desperate sort, and their pockets are often weighed down with grave goods, golden idols, and other ill-gotten gains. Shrewd merchants have learned that you can make more selling a single candle to an adventurer in a dark dungeon than you can selling candles to a cotter's wife all year. That said, most merchants you find in a dungeon aren't the sort to go in for a brick-and-mortar business. 

Example: Grinnin' Grimnir is a goblin who hauls around a sleigh filled with assorted goods. He always sells balls of twine (1 gold), candles (5 gold), torches (10 gold), daggers (20 gold), and iron rations (30 gold). He also has 10 items from this table every time you encounter him. Put him on your random encounter table.

Grinnin' Grimnir is protected by a curse. Anyone who kills him will be cursed with vile luck for a year. For an adventurer, this spells certain death. Those who try to run away from the bad luck in remote townships undergo so much trauma they eventually resemble a little, constantly giggling goblin. They  are eventually seized with the strange compulsion to load up a sleigh and start a little trade in the local dungeon.

Additional dungeon merchants may be found at Goblinpunch. 

15 Mirror

Magical mirrors create aberrant reflections of the real world. They sometimes serve as traps, creating doppelgangers of the PCs. They also serve as portals, perhaps to an alternate dimension or pocket plane. These also might be the focal piece of a puzzle, where the mirror must reflect a ray of light in a different direction.

Example: A hall of twelve mirrors, three of which bear the frozen visage of an adventurer and three of which are broken. Those who look into an empty mirror see their own reflection frozen there. 

PCs who look into an empty mirror create a "save state." At any point, they can choose to reset their bodies directly to this point - same EXP, same HP, same stats, etc. This must be done consciously, i.e., before they are unconscious or dead. When this ability is activated, the image disappears from the mirror and the mirror breaks.

16 Oubliette

An oubliette is where you put someone to forget about them. Accessed only by a trapdoor, these deep pits serve as prisons for those now long abandoned.

Example: This oubliette contains two skeletons: one of a human (wearing the tattered remains of a once fabulous gown) and one of a dwarf. The human skeleton has tooth marks indicative of a cannibalistic end. Written on blood on the wall is a crude map of the dungeon. Careful inspection of the map reveals a small secret room.

Those who find the secret room find it empty except for an unmounted door. This is a magical door that can be hammered into any wall to create a permanent door there. 

17 Painting

Paintings, tapestries, frescoes, and mosaics provide more than simple dungeon decoration. They often hide secrets, carry an enchantment, or provide important context to nearby puzzles. 

Example: A framed painting of a door with no knob. Elsewhere in the dungeon are magical paints. Painting a knob onto the door will turn the painting into a functioning secret door.

18 River

Delvers beware! Underworld rivers notoriously have uncanny properties, and drinking even a drop of their water will rob you of your memories, plunge you into eternal sleep, cause ceaseless weeping, or deliver other terrible curses.

Underground rivers initially serve as barriers that restrict travel--how will the adventurers get across the rushing river? Once the appropriate vehicles or tools are discovered, these rivers can actually serve as connective arteries to deeper sections of the dungeon. Boats can be used to travel the rivers to hitherto inaccessible sections. 

Example: The River Phlegethon looks like a normal river but the water is acidic, earning it the nickname the "River of Fire." It exudes a noxious, sulphurous scent. Any normal item submerged into the waters is quickly destroyed. 

If the PCs can persuade Iago the Lion-Turtle to take them onto his back, he can wade and withstand the waters of this river, and ferry them to the other side.

19 Sepulcher 

Past the false tombs, sepulchers entomb the dead. Sometimes these dead are restless, sometimes they have are withered away to bones. Adventurers low in scruples and funds often loot these sepulchers in hopes of grave goods, but often find traps and curses instead.

Example: A sarcophagus whose stone lid depicts a snake-headed human. The lid is massively heavy and can only be moved with a combined 30 Strength; tools like a ten-foot pole used as a lever add +5 Strength, but usually snap the lever unless it is unusually sturdy. Inside, a mummy. 

The mummy is just a normal mummy, not an undead. It does carry a disease, however. If you handle the body directly without gloves, save vs disease to avoid contracting mummy rot.

The wrappings around the mummy contain ancient spells. Unwrapping the mummy yields two "scrolls" of random 5th level spells. 

20 Statue

These graven images bear the semblance of ancient kings, heroes, and mythological figures. They reflect the culture of those who shaped them, and provide clues to their creator's world view with regards to the local dungeon environment. A recent poll of dungeon delvers found that 70% of puzzles incorporated statues in some way. 

Example: A three-faced statue of the elven Tripartite - the Maiden, the Mother, and the Crone - stands in the middle of a triangular room. Examination of the statue reveals scratch marks on the floor near its base, indicating the statue has been turned from its original position.

Two of the walls of the room are decorated with mosaics. One bears a crescent moon. One bears a white circle. The third wall is blank.

If the statue is turned so that the face of the Maiden is turned towards the crescent moon, the face of the Mother is turned towards the white circle, and the face of the Crone is turned towards the blank wall, the blank wall will become a misty portal that will teleport the party to a new location. 

21 Throne

The thrones of the former rulers of the Underworld still contain some power within them. Those who sit on them are often given a measure of control over some dungeon feature or a special awareness of a facet of the Underworld. However, thrones often possess magical curses or traps laid on them to ensure only the worthy sit upon them.

Example: At the top of a pyramid of stairs, each spaced too wide for the human gait, is a colossal throne. It is covered in dust, mice skeletons, and owl droppings. The back of the throne is sculpted like spread owl wings. The arms of the throne each depict a closed eye. 

Sitting on the throne with a light source causes the light source to suddenly flare and go out. The victim must pass a saving throw or be blinded until after they next sleep. 

Those who sit on the throne find their hearing greatly improved. They have blindsight for as long as they sit on the throne. Immediately, they hear the whistling of wind through a crack in a secret door on the north wall. Additionally, they hear whispering far above them. For each dungeon turn they spend concentrating, they hear one rumor about the current dungeon level.

22 Waterwheel

Waterwheels harness the power of the strange rivers of the Underworld. Adventurers may find the state of the dungeon changed if a waterwheel is stopped or started.

Example: The flow of the river is split into three waterfalls by a series of locks and dams controlled by levers inside the dungeon. When the water turns the northern waterwheel, the colossal door to the necropolis is raised. When the water turns the eastern waterwheel, the lamps inside the Castle of Crossed Destinies are lit, allowing adventurers to forego carrying their own torches. When the water turns the western waterwheel, the bridge extends from the castle towards the City of Ruin. Only one waterfall can flow at a time.

23 Well

Wells in the Underworld contain bizarre things: wine, treacle, oil, pudding. Almost anything but water. Moreover, wells often have some denizen who lives off their contents, either dwelling at the bottom of the well or guarding it from interlopers. 

Example: A tiny blue dragon lives at the bottom of a wishing well. He demands you throw coins down and he'll grant you wishes. He is a liar. However, for each coin thrown, the dragon will cast bless.  

Saturday, December 10, 2022

More RPG Blogs as Taverns

Here are five fantasy taverns for you to use in your games inspired by real-world RPG blogs. You can find my first post, here. Tavern sign assets by Sophie Grunnet. 


The tavern is a tree house located in an elder oak at the top of a boulder-strewn hill. You have to do some actual climbing to get to Mindstorm. Those who do so are rewarded with good food, drink, talk, and the aid of the most helpful person in the city.

Proprietor: The proprietor Ty is a kobold (dog type not lizard type) and just about the most helpful person you'll ever meet. Any need you mention casually is frequently fulfilled by his quick paws. Misplaced items are sniffed out. Questions are answered. Introductions made. 

Ty, happy to help

Sights: Being a tree house, the whole tavern has a verticality to it--ladders lead to tables set on ledges, seats are rope swings hung from the ceiling. There are multiple stories, with boarding rooms and cellars being located in crow's nests in the tree's crown. 

Sounds: "That’s how the real world works. It’s just this huge hodgepodge of a million different things, and you can look inwards at something (an organization, a person, an event) and it unfolds outward infinitely, a million things make up that one thing, all of them completely gonzo."

Tastes: Crisped potatoes and fish are served in corn husks for easy handling. Ty pours a variety of drinks fine beers, many of which are aged in old whiskey barrels, imparting a scent of toffee and vanilla. Ty also keeps a stock of energy potions that put the weary adventurer back on the campaign trail.


  • Wait, is Ty the person who had the Fantastic Medieval Campaign? No?
  • Oh wait, I get it. Ty is the proprietor of Hypertext Fish. ...No?
  • I thought this place's name was "Brainstorm." 
    • Wait, I thought it's name was "Green Laser?"
  • Have you seen Ty's paws? So handsome! 

Prismatic Wasteland

Prismatic Wasteland is located in the Old City's Via dei Fori Imperati, an ancient shopping mall. "Buyer beware" is the tavern's tongue in cheek motto. A debate club is hosted on premises once weekly, and folks from other taverns gather regularly to engage in argument, rhetoric, and hullabaloo. 

Proprietor: The proprietor, Warren, is a stentorious orator.  He wears a mantle of rainbow zip bird feathers, earning him the nickname "Prismatic Warren" (to distinguish him from the I Cast Light proprietor). He has a lustrous beard and a sharp wit, often wading into his debate club on the side of whoever seems to be losing.

Sights: A tavern built in the ruins of commercialism definitely has an aesthetic. There is an inherent sense of antiquity underlying the modern façade. Each abandoned shop stall is a separate room for rent. A little sparse in amenities, sure, but there's plenty of privacy and space--otherwise rare commodities. 

Sounds: "A cadre of tavern owners (hopefully a growing one) are interested not just in recipes, place settings or systems but in the procedures we use to run the bar. This is something that is often taken for granted, but paying attention to them is useful for veteran tavern keepers and downright enlightening for new proprietors."

Tastes: No simple ales are to be found here. Alembic, retorts, and decanters are filled with strange new concoctions which are mixed together with speed and skill. The bubbling contents are a delight to the senses and a bafflement to the mind.


  • Sure, Warren is human, but he was actually raised in a dwarfinage. That's why his beard is so robust.
  • Warren got the money for Prismatic Wasteland by finding a loophole in a devil's contract and actually got to keep both the coin and his soul. That's the story behind the motto.
    • Actually, only part of that last rumor is true.

DIY & Dragons

The random tables around this tavern have a "more the merrier" attitude. They're mostly a younger crowd who use frequently use pseudonyms instead of their real names. At the same time, they avoid drama that sometimes plagues other taverns in this neighborhood. They're an energic lot who seems to know how to have fun.

Proprietor: The proprietor, Anne, is a kobold (lizard type not dog type). She's traveled far and wide. If you talk to her, she recollects her travels in a straight-forward, matter-of-fact manner. She pays top coin for maps that you bring her if they're both either particularly accurate or new, and sells copies of all the maps in her library. If you're new to the area, stopping by DIY & Dragons will give you a solid sense of where the landmarks and secrets of the City are to be found.

Sights: A solid wooden structure in the middle of the City, with a cozy common room and a serpentine bar top of river stones. A papier-mâché dragon is hung from the rafters. The hearth is wide and glows with an enchanted, ever-burning, color-changing flame. Maps of nearby dungeons are carved into the tabletops by adventuring guilds.

Sounds: "Aside from the possibility that we've been overly influenced by the prior artistic decisions of a few trendsetters, I think that pointcrawls probably better model the way we think about traveling between known locations, while hexcrawls and minicrawls better model the way we think about exploring unknown spaces." (Anne, describing her mapping techniques.)

Tastes: Anne pours an eclectic mix of sour beers, whiskies, and red wines. I recommend you ask for her boulevardier. 


  • Anne is the coolest.
  • The bar name? I'm sworn to secrecy. OK, well, I'll let you in on it, but you can't tell anyone. Anne is actually a dragon. The kobold thing is just an illusion. 


Less a tavern and more a...foodtruck? One-man travelling circus? In any event, a wagon pulls up to a different square in the City each day. Outside it, a hand-painted sign on it reads: 


In it a...strange fellow...will serve you a terrible strong liquor for a pittance. Wayspell is the name of both the "tavern" and the "proprietor." 

Proprietor: Its name is Wayspell. It stands a head-and-a-half taller than a normal human man. Its covered in hair. And the smell! Oh gods the smell. But it seems friendly enough. It'll pick your ticks off you, if you ask. At times, its hand disappears into its fur and retrieves some shrimp that it seems to offer you. Should...should you take them?

Sights: An unhitched, brightly painted vardo. Nobody has ever seen it hooked to a steed, but somehow it appears in different quarters of the City. The roof and the siding are a patchwork of different materials and colors. 

Sounds: "I tell ya hwat, man, you got one of them dragons up over there, I say, no good. Here ya, ya get that water outta here, fish fuck in it, getcha one of these...wrap yha...yha lips around one of these wet whistles here I got in here, I tell ya hwat."

Tastes: Various objects are passed outside the wagon by a fuzzy hand. A mason jar of rotgut whiskey. A wooden tankard of thin, sweet beer. A plump oyster covered in cheese. Surprisingly good mead (with a hint of beets).


  • Wayspell, whatever he is, makes all the food and drink himself.
  • Sure, he makes the food and drink...from his body. That mead is his milk, actually. The shrimp are actually huge lice.
  • If you ever don't take something Wayspell offers you, he will hate you.

No Foes, No Traps

No one should make the mistake that the tavern's name is ironic or sarcastic. This is a safe place. An enchantment of peace lays on lands of this little farmhouse-cum-inn that discourages (if not outright forbids) violence. Tavern brawls are all but unheard of. 

Proprietor: Hodag is the tallest human you've ever seen. He stands in a stark juxtaposition compared to the small, cozy atmosphere of the tavern. He wears a continually benevolent smile and a rough, brown, hooded robe. 

If the word made any sense contextually, people would call Hodag a "renaissance man." He has a bit of skill in many artistic crafts, from painting, to writing, to storytelling. He makes particularly nice, sturdy tables.

Sights: This tavern is a working Agricola-style farmhouse. A pack of farm hounds (mutts, really) roam the grounds, and sometimes come bolting into the tavern with wagging tails and lolling tongues. 

The central courtyard of the square house is open to the skies. Here, Hodag has a rare and precious spyglass set up to allow patrons a look into the heavens. Hodag has many stories of the War of the Stars, which he delights to recount as people peer through his telescope.

Sounds: "Anybody with an open heart and an open mind is welcome at my table. Anybody who seeks the magic of the earliest days is welcome at my table. Anybody who seeks the rarity of wisdom in tales mirth, myth and mystery is welcome at my table."

Tastes: Though not a big drinker himself, Hodag's cellars are full of small beers well loved by the common folk--weak, sweet, and easy to drink a lot of.


  • Hodag isn't a human at all. He's actually a giant halfling--a lingering enchantment from his adventuring days that's never been cured. 
  • People say all sorts of crazy stuff about Hodag because nobody knows a lot about 'im. Bit of a mystery, that one.